The Trial of Eddysseus

The voyage of England vs New Zealand. Homer**, October 2019.

Godlike Eddie, Zeus’ equal in his mind’s resource, looked down as if from Olympus. Such was the great size of that hollow ship of Yokohama, the wearer of the red button could scarce make out his men gathered on the green deck below.

The war dance of the men clad all in black echoed around the field. From the sacred walled city of Wellington, Sonny Bill with the writing on his arms prepared to greet the battle. Beauden of the glinting helm held hope in his eyes and strength in his fast legs.

Their cries penetrated in to the hearts of all, save for the well greaved English. Assembled in an arrow head, they mocked Apollo the far-sighted, their enemy’s protector. Laughter enlivened the face of swift footed Owen, half a son of the Gods.

The silver siren pierced the air. The oval arrow took flight, and the soldiers of cunning Eddie flowed forward with the strength of enraged men. Pallas Athene sped through the white-dressed warriors, driving them onwards. The goddess gave a lightness to the thick thighs of Manu the son of Mark, and the defenders of the sacred city could not withstand him. 5-0.

Zeus the holder of the Aegis looked on as godlike Owen fired his arrow between the tall posts, and the herald proclaimed 7-0.

Vengeful Hera, sister-wife of the son of Kronos, spoke to Nigel the carrier of the silver siren. Her words came through the slant-sighted runners of the lines. The men clad in black threw the oval arrow forwards, and disrupted rucks as is their custom. But the wife of Zeus tricked the eyes of preacher-voiced Nigel and the men who watch the changing screens, and no misdemeanor was recorded.

The men of the green rolling hills powered through the wall of black clad men a second time. Even the goddess of the sea and mother to Owen, the man who stood ahead of all others, could not reverse Hera’s hold over Nigel from the land of the mountain sheep. No update on 7-0 came forth from the herald.

After pain struck Owen, George, who is without equal in long-kicking, made it 10-0. This gave great pleasure to the wearer of the red button, whose mind has no equal amongst the mortals.

Both armies retreated to their secret holds in the great hollow ship of Yokohama, to renew their strength and sacrifice offerings to the Son of Kronos, so to win his favour for the second half.

The one who is without equal in long-kicking sent over the oval arrow to make it 13-0. The clear sight of Nigel of the sheep country had been temporarily restored by the sacrifices, bringing about this rightful penalty.

Strong Maro with the long arms harassed the men of Wellington. The short limbs of the war dancers could not resist his repeated raids on the oval arrow, and this angered some of the gods.

Hera the wife of Zeus entreated the far sighted Apollo, whose blunted dart deflected the oval arrow from Maro with the long arms at the lineout. Ardie the brother of Julian stole a try, and the singers of the low-swooping sweet chariots looked long in to their vases of life-giving amber water. 13-7.

All the men of England were struck with the arrows of doubt, save for wise Eddie and Underhill the snapper of Barretts. His collision, the equal in power to a lightning bolt from the Son of Kronos, gave heart to the rose wearers.

Rivers of life-giving amber water flowed down to the green deck in celebration of his godlike strength. The men of the black cloth were overrun, and George of the winged sandals shot over two more penalties, won from the cheating hands of the men from the sacred city. 19-7.

A thousand feasts would rightly celebrate the victory of wise browed Eddie, and his men who must praise Athene the strength giver. But the wisest of men did not smile. He knows that only the return of the great golden vase to home shores, carried in the fast ships of the rose wearers, will please the shepherd of the people, the royal-honoured son of the line of Wilkinson.

** Much like the great poems The Iliad and The Odyssey, scholars debate whether this script should be attributed to a single author called Homer.